Redefining

It’s been a while. 

We’re still here. 

Last year when we decided to take the plunge and introduce cuckolding into our marriage dynamic we jumped in and never came up for air. One thing after another, we were riding the high-highs of non-monogamy and low-lows of trying to figure out what each of us needed.

Then we hit a major wall. 

There are years of trauma buried deep within both of us, we just didn’t understand the extent of what that meant. Recently, there was a Sexualchemy podcast episode, where a Cuck mentioned that a certain amount of vulnerability happens when you explore kink or non-monogamy in your marriage, and that vulnerability allows us to connect with our partners on a deeper level and maybe in new ways. I believe that, and the same is true on so many other levels too. I think in that vulnerability, we also discover the deep, dark things about ourselves that lie buried in our past. That’s what happened with us. You can’t show your real self without exploring your real darkness too. 

We both lost interest and decided it was easier to box all of our experiences up and place it on our shelf; pretending they weren’t there and it never existed. 

We stopped having sex as much. Things were looking vanilla again. 

The thing with the ‘Lifestyle,’ and introducing something new into a 13+ year relationship, we don’t realize or stop to think how hard change actually is. The rush of newly opening a marriage and having sex with others can make you blind to what is happening underneath it all. 

When we started our journey into cuckolding, we had never even explored kink with each other. We never really explored very far into our sexuality with each other and we still had so much to learn. We jumped into the lifestyle initially because we were drawn in by cuckolding, but we never realized what other things we wanted to explore or things we wanted to try together. When we began our lifestyle journey, it felt like we had to stay in the cuckolding container. We felt trapped by the small reputation we built on twitter, podcasts, and this blog. 

As we work through the vulnerable crap and our past trauma, we realized that we were avoiding and ignoring our sex life, as far as cuckolding was concerned. That’s the thing when you explore the taboo, the shame and guilt cycle that you put yourself through is hell. 

You are so strongly attracted to the thing that everyone says you can’t have. 

You know you can have it but you fight against the urge, because everyone else says it’s wrong. 

But if you give in, it feels like you’ll lose yourself. In reality, nothing happens except for the thrill and excitement of the experience. We only live once….

It’s a learning process. It’s finding the balance. It’s realizing that our sex life is our business, and everyone else opinions don’t matter. But, it’s harder that it sounds. 

So, we started talking again. 

We realize now, that our sexual interests together and separate, are so much more than just cuckolding. 

For example, I want to experience: 

• Sex with a woman
• A full swap with Ryan 
• A threesome with Ryan and another woman
• A Gang Bang
• A Sex Party

Just to name a few. 

We don’t want to be confined to a certain dynamic, we just want to have fun together. We don’t want the labels or constraints; we just want experiences together. 

While cuckolding is still A part of our sex lives, it isn’t the ONLY part of our sex lives. 

Yes, we are still very much into cuckolding. Ryan watching me get fucked by another man still gets me wet. We fantasize about me getting fucked by multiple sexy black men regularly. It’s just not the only thing. Our sex adventures are just beginning. Getting out of our own way has been the only thing holding us back. 

Also, my personal growth has lead me on a long journey of finding myself sexually and spiritually, but I never lost my desire to be a slut.