Confronting Trauma

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Everyone in the Lifestyle is 100% happy all of the time–just look at Twitter. You will find countless cuckolds, stags, cuckoldresses, and hotwives, all living their best lives–including Mae and I. But are we?

After Mae fully-experienced her first session with a bull, we were anxiously anticipating the next adventure we would have together. With our personal lives always in motion, we had to wait a full month before the perfect night could come together and allow us the opportunity for another session.

We had spent the entire month working on ourselves to ensure that we were completely ready to advance in the Lifestyle. The first experience began at a bar with drinks. This time, Mae wanted to jump right into the action–after all, we were paying our babysitter by the hour. When the day winded down to a close, and she was getting ready for the evening, we discussed some last minute details about the night. “Did you ask him about how many partners he has been having sex with?” I asked. “How often is he getting tested?” I continued. I am a planner–always have been. Having the conversation about STDs hours before the main event gave me tremendous anxiety. In the end, I trusted Mae to make the best decision for us and we ended the conversation.

The doorbell rang indicating the babysitter had arrived and it was time to finally leave. We got in the car and backed out of the drive way. As soon as we put the car in drive, Mae inquired about the STD thing, again–on the way to his house. This was a huge problem for me. Having been out of the general population for quite some time, I am inexperienced when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases and just how many people are infected with them. This compounded my anxiety and we fought–right there in the car on the way for me to watch her have sex with another man. Mae had said “Take the car back home and I will drop you off, but I am getting fucked by him tonight!” My anxiety turned full panic attack right there in the middle of the highway. I eventually pulled the car into a parking lot and walked around until I could clear my head. We ended up getting a drink together, before going over to his place, and everything worked out just fine.

Everyone puts their best foot forward on social media–and for good reason. The problems that arise, whether in our vanilla lives or in our sexual lives, don’t need to be aired to the public–and that’s fine. The problem arises when aspiring couples turn to social media looking for a better understanding of the Lifestyle. They open Twitter and see all of the fun that people are having in their Lifestyle experiences. They see the heart-pounding interracial sex scenes that wives are having with their bulls. They see the husbands, happily-caged, sitting on the sidelines watching the love of their lives having some of the best sex of their lives.

What people don’t see is the moments leading up to these perfectly-shot scenes.

These are the most crucial moments of any Lifestyle marriage.

A brief history on my trauma

Since beginning my journey into cuckolding, I have been working through the trauma I experienced as a teenage boy. For those of you that haven’t read my prior blogs about our cuckold lifestyle, I had an awful breakup shortly after high school. This adolescent relationship was pivotal in my life. My first two years of high school were very similar to my counterparts. I was a bit nerdy, a bit geeky, and loved having fun. I strived for excellence in every class. Then, I met K.

She was the second girl to ever really notice me. She was a freshmen; I a junior. We started dating and immediately fell for each other. Our relationship was unlike most childhood relationships. We spent every waking hour together and I thought it was forever; we both did. As we approached year two of our relationship, she began to evolve into someone else. She started dressing more provocatively—seeking attention from whomever offered it. Every place we went the men around her devoured her with their eyes and thoughts. In the end, she fucked one of my best friends.

My world imploded on itself. My friends had all known in some way what she had done and yet no one had confronted me about it. I did the only thing I could, I abandoned all my friendships and never looked back. My parents offered no emotional support either. I was left with my own dark emotions. Emotions that I had no idea how to experience, express, or control. Emotions that took hold and never let go. This went on for several years. Several years of seeing the car she drove, the places we had visited, the things we had done, the cars they drove, and the places I now found them.

My young, adolescent, developing brain couldn’t handle the exquisite pain they put me through. When I saw them around town together, my heart stopped beating, my stomach sank. It was all I could think about. Was she fucking him right now? If so, was she wearing my favorite outfit for him? To cope with the trauma, I transformed the pain into something my mind could process easier—pleasure. I unintentionally fantasized about the two of them together. It was intoxicating; It was excruciating. I consumed the pain. I became a cuckold by force—not choice.

I dated a few different women (girls) over the next couple years but they never amounted to anything.

When I met Mae, everything changed.

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The trauma I experienced in my adolescent relationship directly caused my cuckold desires to flourish. This trauma still exists today and is even more powerful than it was then. We call it my Dark Passenger—yes, just like the book/show series. For all intents and purposes, it is just that; a dark passenger. We treat him as a separate entity. He has kept me alive and safe over the years and always takes control when something doesn’t feel quite right. In the cuckolding lifestyle, that something happens quite often.

My Dark Passenger, or “DP” for short(because everyone enjoys talking about DP while in an argument), is his own entity.  When an emotion comes up that makes me feel uncomfortable, I withdraw to a safe distance and allow him to take the helm. What might sound rational to a normal, sane person, does not sound rational to him. My DP cannot be slayed; however, through compassion, he can be put to rest—however fleeting.

So, why become a cuck then? Why deal with all the pain?

After that traumatic breakup sixteen years ago, my sane, rational mind dealt with the pain by consuming it. The pain is palpable; the pain is delicious; the pain is all consuming. This was the birth of our symbiotic relationship. For men who found cuckoldry through unintentional means from prior relationships, cuckolding isn’t an elective state-of-mind; it can be required to process the pain.

This pain and trauma I experienced as a child still exists today and this Lifestyle has forced me to confront it head-on for the first time in 16 years. I have always been the jealous type; however, this Lifestyle has forced me to confront my jealousy and turn the trauma I felt into something positive. This has led to tremendous frustration with myself and with Mae.

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Mae frequently says “I am waiting on you.” And she’s right. She is waiting on me. Every. Damn. Day.

Because while she is enjoying the process of learning how to become the empowered, sexy, confident, husband-owning, black-cock loving cuckoldress she desperately wants to be, I am working through old jealousy and trauma. But who wouldn’t be a little worried with an empowered, sexy, confident, husband-owning, black-cock loving cuckoldress as a wife?

I have had far more good days than bad since entering this Lifestyle. Each time we argued about a “crime” my DP has committed, I am usually able to move past it.

Our first encounter with another man was incredibly fun for the both of us. You can read all about that experience HERE. We spent the next two weeks processing the experience in our own ways. We fantasized about the event continuously. One night, Mae told me that she felt uncomfortable with me joining in the way I had. I took her statement the wrong way and let the Dark Passenger (DP) take control. He whirled in the pain and the emotions that took hold. We stopped talking and I broke down. Little did I know at the time is that she meant that she would prefer to not have me be involved in the actual sex because she didn’t want to have to mix the two relationship types. Being in a threesome with a man she loves and doesn’t love was too much for her mind to handle at the time. In hindsight, this makes sense to me–especially for those women who are new the Lifestyle, like Mae. And to be honest, I never had an interest in having the threesome with her and this man, it was his idea.

In that moment, I misunderstood her and what she was trying to say and let my DP take control. For those aspiring to be in the Lifestyle, listen to your partners fully and try to evaluate their statements before reacting to them. Knowing how to understand your partner is crucial to survival in this Lifestyle.

These issues I have described are only a small fraction of the arguments/disagreements we have had since getting into the Lifestyle. But they serve as an important reminder that those who have relationship or sexual trauma will have to work through their issues head-on with their partners. The road will be bumpy and there will be days where one or both partners will want nothing to do with the Lifestyle. But there will also be moments where you may want to want to take the big steps in the Lifestyle. There will be moments where you need guidance from somewhere outside your marriage. Find Lifestyle friends who are similar to you and more experienced. These people can help you understand some of the things you are going through. Also, you must figure out a way to deal with the anxiety and the fear. I exercise, meditate, see a therapist, and I write to help me work through my issues. Without those coping mechansims, the fear would have consumed me long ago.

When Mae had told me she didn’t want me to have sex with her during the sexual encounter, I thought she meant that she didn’t want me there at all. We realized I had a huge fear of her having sex with other men without me there. I did. I absolutely did. This fear was intoxicating. Mae decided that we should face this fear head-on and fantasize about it together during our time together each night for one week. Each night while we had sex, we talked about us going over to his place together, but, sometime during the evening, she would go to the bathroom to have sex with him while I would be forced to wait outside the door. This quickly progressed into me waiting in the living room while they fucked in his bedroom. And finally, for the Grande Finale, her going over to his place while I stayed home with the kids. This was the most intoxicating of them all. Even as I write this blog, I can feel my chest tightening at the thought of her going over to someone’s place–alone.

Fear is a powerful emotion. If you allow the fear to consume you, it can negatively impact your entire life. People with anxiety know exactly what I am talking about. I have spent much of my life living in fear. With my relationship with Mae, the fear began as jealousy over what clothing she would wear in public, or what guy friends she had on Facebook. This jealously is, of course, irrational and unhealthy. We confronted this fear head-on by posting pictures of her online when we began this Lifestyle. Today, I find it sexy when Mae goes to Target in her somewhat see-through leggings. I have no jealousy over this concept anymore because I faced that fear head-on. The fear had originated with my ex, K, all those years ago when she began dressing provocatively in public. Confront your fears; don’t let them take control and consume your life.

More recently, the issues we have been working through revolve around her having her own relationships with other men. The concept of her having private conversations with men have been difficult for me to process. After that night that I misunderstood her, I removed myself from our shared kik conversations. The problem was that she wasn’t done with this guy. She had every intention of moving forward with him. Mae decided that I would not be allowed back into the conversation with him. As punishment, and a way for me to face my trauma head-on, I would have to learn to trust that she would share the information with me in her own time (which happened to be each night). I fought her for weeks on this. Each day at work, my mind wandered on whether or not she was messaging him. Did it matter that she was messaging him and I wouldn’t know about what was said until the end of the day? No, not really, but, while at work, my mind constantly wandered–I let the fear take control. The fear and jealously was taking a toll on our relationship and we constantly butted heads–preventing forward movement in the Lifestyle.

It is important to understand that you must communicate and work on these issues while you are navigating the Lifestyle, if you are to be successful. Mae and I have broken down so many barriers these last few months and we still have so many more that need work. I have found that facing my fear head-on and turning the fear and pain into something more exciting is helpful. When Mae and I fantasized about the alone visit, by day 7, I was begging for her to do it. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out but I was completely ready for the idea–which is miles further than I was a month ago.

If you are like us and having difficulty navigating the Lifestyle due to past traumatic experiences, evaluate your current state and determine what fears or insecurities you have and meet them head-on. Have an irrational fear of people seeing your wife in a bikini? Get her to wear that bikini (if that’s something she wants). Have an irrational fear of someone seeing your wife’s thong through her leggings? Let it be, and try to enjoy the show. Have a fear of your partner chatting with men online? Allow it to happen in a controlled manner with your partner (who you trust deeply). You’ll be surprised at how quickly you can change and overcome some of those irrational fears.

Are you frightened of your wife being pleased by other men without you there? Work towards it; I am. Mae’s first date was without me there. You can read about my perspective here and Mae’s perspective here. This date was the first time she ever interacted with another man publicly. It was also the first time without me there. I think this was too much for us for our first step and only contributed to my fear. With all the work we have done since then, I believe that we are ready for more solo visits for her in the future. Do we want solo experiences? No, but we do want to have more fun in the Lifestyle and that means breaking down fears and turning those fears into something palpable.

You will fight. You will scream. You will cry. You might have panic attacks. You might want to leave home and go sleep in a hotel. You might want to say many things in anger. You might want to hate each other. You might temporarily resent one another. But…you might love each other more than ever before. You might be able to communicate like no other couple has. You might be closer to each other than at any other time in your relationship. You might have more sex than ever before. You might actually enjoy each others company. You might actually consider your partner to be your best friend. This Lifestyle might change your life in ways you never could have imagined.

Just make sure you are processing your trauma.

Acknowledge the Elephant.

Acknowledge your own dark passenger.