Please note: First, this is my experience as a heterosexual married female, but can apply to any couple. I am not an expert, I am actually very new to all of this, and I don’t know your situation or your life and don’t presume to. I am hoping that if your partner is bringing this to you, they have already talked with you about this Lifestyle. I also hope that this isn’t finding you by surprise. This is just a summary of my experience and each couple has a very different experience. I hope you find a bit of understanding in this post, and at least entertain the idea for your partner for just a few minutes. What seems like your partner’s interest right now, will eventually be run and led by you should you choose to go down this path. This is about you. Take your time and do your research and reach out to others, including me. There is a great female community of support in this Lifestyle if you need it.
I am Mae (pseudo name). I am in my 30’s and I am sleeping with men other than my husband. I also have a very Vanilla life as well. I have been married for 10 years, together for 13. I have kids and have been a stay-at-home mom for the last 10 years. I have gone to playdates, been the president of the PTA, attended fundraisers, have mom friends, and did all the other tasks that come along with being a married stay-at-home mom (dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc., everyday for 10 years). In fact, I currently still do a lot of those things. I wanted to write a letter specifically to you, the one who loves their partner, the one who makes sure their partner is always cared for, and the one who thinks their partner has lost their damn minds by talking about something so strange and weird; a kink that ‘normal’ people don’t participate in. You’re probably thinking things like, “I can’t be a porn star, I’m a mom,” or “I can’t have sex with others while I am married,” or “I’m happy enough with my marriage and sex life, I don’t need more.” I get it, and I was also in your shoes.
Let me tell you a little more about myself. I was as Vanilla as they come and I didn’t suggest any sex positions, or my fantasies. I lied and told myself that I didn’t fantasize or have the need to. I didn’t talk dirty, in fact, talking dirty grossed me the fuck out. It was forced and awkward. I remember one time racking my brain mid-thrust trying to find something sexy to say, and in a dull questioning tone I muttered, “I want you to fuck my cock with your pussy.” I’m not even a cock owner. I gave up.
Since I was raised religious, I have always had deep-rooted shame around everything having to do with sex. Things I found hot, I kept my mouth shut about. Things I wanted to try, I never admitted to. I hated words like: pussy, wet, horny, cock, etc. As a woman, I thought my place was here serving my husband and being a good wife. I didn’t have an identity outside of that. I certainly didn’t have any sexual identity. I settled and accepted the lie that I am just not meant to be a sexually empowered confident woman. I am certainly too awkward for that life. Furthermore, I have gone most of my life hating my body, feeling insecure, and lacking all confidence. I was lucky to have found my husband and he has always treated me exceptionally well. However, I didn’t believe I could ever get anyone else, nor did I explore that. In the beginning I thought, and still think sometimes, that I am not confident enough to live this life. I wasn’t lacking anything in my marriage, in fact I was always very satisfied with my sex life prior to adventuring into this Lifestyle. My husband brought me pleasure in every way and we were happy. Sure, over the years it had its ups and downs, but overall, it was great. I didn’t think it could get any better. But somehow it did.
So, when your Aspiring Cuck first presents you with all of this information it can be terrifying. It feels weird and awkward to talk about something so different from the traditional ideals of monogamy that are built on religious ideologies. It feels wrong to be sitting at a playdate while your kids play with their friends, and having a secret so taboo on the inside that no one knows about. But guess what, all of those things also make this fun.
When my husband approached me about this and his interest in the Lifestyle, so many things rushed through my head, but I chose to hear him out because, in marriage or any relationship, there has to be compromise and understanding from both (or all) parties involved. Processing this information took time and I didn’t understand what any of it meant.
I was asking myself, “why does he want this? Am I not enough? Does he want to sleep with other women, so he is giving me a pass? Does he hate having sex with me? Does he no longer want to be with me?” I went on and on in my mind and had nowhere to turn to for advice. I wasn’t closed off to it, but I also wasn’t excited for it. How could we continue our life, and do this too? I wasn’t willing to sacrifice any of what we had built for some crazy fantasy my husband had.
My husband was consistent in mentioning this topic and he wanted to try more things year after year. I was pregnant when he first told me, so of course we didn’t pursue it. Then, we moved states; bad timing. Then, I was breastfeeding; bad timing again. Finally, we moved, again; bad timing yet again. I tried my best to fulfill his desires by writing erotic stories for him to fantasize about and taking sexy pictures for him to post online, and I even flirted with some men online.
It took me 6 years to process all of this information and then I finally decided to research this Lifestyle more to understand what it could possibly have to offer.
Here is what I found
- I can be happily married and also have a healthy non-monogamous marriage
- I am an adult and can do whatever the fuck I want to do
- I can love my husband and have sex with other men and still be just as in love as before—if not more.
- I can balance Vanilla life and the Lifestyle
- I don’t have to be imprisoned by society’s expectations or standards.
- No matter what I do in my sex life, I am still worthy of respect and love
- No matter what I do in my sex life, I am still a great mom, wife, and friend.
- I am safe enough in my marriage to explore new things that excite me.
When I realized these things, I started to understand what our dynamic could be. My husband wants to share me because he wants me to feel pleasure, to experience life more fully, and to embrace my own sexuality. He wants to feel pleasure through experiencing my pleasure and in turn we still end up pleasuring each other.
Let me tell you, it’s freeing, liberating, confidence boosting, and so much more. When another man flirts with you, and makes you feel desired, it does something to you deep-down. As a mom, it’s hard to feel that way all of the time. When you are in a long term relationship, it feels biased when your husband expresses his unending-desires for you. I often told my husband prior to starting this journey that he ‘only desired me because it was easy—he was married to me after all’. That wasn’t a fair or accurate statement, it was just my way of enabling my insecurities. When we started this Lifestyle journey together, and even to this day, we both get tears in our eyes from the overwhelming desire and love we have for one another and the growth we are making.
Starting this journey also led to us being more connected—which you might have heard if you’ve been looking into the Lifestyle. It’s all true. Actually, it’s not just because of the sex; it’s also because of the communication. When you open up your marriage, you have to communicate, if you don’t, you wont make it. It’s as simple as that. You and your partner will have to dissect and examine the things that make you each vulnerable and ashamed. You will have to come together and discuss your dark desires and your erotic fantasies. You will have to talk about boundaries, limits, and fears. You will both have to be on the same page in order for this to work. This communicating, in turn, leads to the intense enjoyment. You can be a liberated, confident, and sexy married woman. You can be in a non-monogamous marriage if you want to be, and it’s no ones business. What happens in your sex life is between you and your partner alone. Your marriage wont be ruined by you having sex with other men if your husband wants that. Marriages typically fall apart by lack of communication, cases of infidelity, abuse in the household, or lack of trust.
I am not trying to convert you to cuckolding, wife-swapping, open relationships, non-monogamy, or swinging. I think it’s different for everyone, and not everyone wants to live this life and that’s okay. My goal is to take the stigma and shame out of this for you, so that maybe you can explore this with your partner—if that’s what interests you. I want to tell you that you’re not a bad mom, wife, or friend for wanting more. You’re allowed to try new things and step into something new in your marriage or relationship—if you want. You can be the same suburban, vanilla-mom, friend, partner, or wife that you are now, and still have an exceptional sex life. You wont change who you are at your core by trying something different, you’ll just add dimension to your personality.
I dare you for just a moment to entertain the idea of fucking another man, a stranger, a man you don’t love, it’s hot right? Now, go tell your husband you want to fuck another man, and see his reaction. Doing those two things can feel like a lot, so sit with it and wait until you’re ready, but when you are ready, try it. See your husband’s shock and awe reaction, see him turn bright red, see him fall to his knees, see how horny it makes him, and then tell me you don’t feel powerful. That power is unlike anything else I have ever experienced, it’s that power and those feelings that make this Lifestyle what it is. When you see the man that you married go weak in the knees for you, it changes everything. Your confidence is brightened and the more you embrace your power, the more confident you become.
This is a woman’s world and our partners are here to love us, take care of us, and keep us safe while we get pleasure in any way that we want. You deserve everything you want in life and you can do that safely with your man by your side. Changing my thinking and challenging the way I view monogamy has been the most fun and powerful experience I have ever had in my life.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, but also, thanks for taking a chance to consider this Lifestyle. I never thought I would be here, enjoying other men, but most importantly, I never thought my marriage could get any better. We have reached new levels of intimacy together, we have learned so much with each other and about each other. So, even if you never act on any of the fantasies outside of your bedroom, I hope dabbling with the idea brings you and your partner closer together. I hope every woman feels the way I do right now, at least at some point in their lives.