My first experience meeting a man outside of my marriage was terrifying. My trembling hands were hard to calm. My nerves made my voice shaky. I felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath.
I was excited, but also extremely self conscious and doubting all of these decisions. The guy on the receiving end of my messages came across as a respectful man. Only to find out when I got there that he was a respectful boy. I mean, he was in his 20’s, petite, skinny guy. Not the man I envisioned I would be meeting.
I felt betrayed, let down, and awkward. I felt ridiculous meeting him, and when I should have said, “this isn’t going to work, sorry hun, have a nice life,” instead, I fell into the depths of my people pleasing past and betrayed myself.
I was so interested in starting our journey in this lifestyle that I overlooked my own needs, wants, and desires.
After that disaster, I felt defeated. I, as a mom, wife, and full grown woman, need a man’s hands on me, not a boy’s. I need a man that can take control and handle my body. I am in it for the whole experience.
Second Times a Charm
About a year ago, we were in the process of moving, and my husband brought up the idea of pursuing the Lifestyle again. He had a guy that was interested in meeting up, but it was bad timing, and once again, I wasn’t ready. So we put things on hold for the next year.
As we started pursuing it again, we found a man on a dating app, ended up matching on there and started talking. My husband put two and two together and found out that the guy from the app was the same guy he had been talking to a year earlier. Since my husband was familiar with this guy’s film making and amateur porn videos online, it made pursuing him more fun for me.
I was intrigued by him from the start.
He was suave to say the least. The ways his words stoked my fire, his confidence beamed through his messages and I was hooked. He got straight to the point. The flirting, the pictures, the reactions to my pictures, all of it. I was so excited, I felt confident and beautiful talking to another man. This felt more real than the last experience.
Message after message I felt as though my mind was being overtaken. This guys mind-fucking skills are top notch. I could visualize the things he was saying to me. My whole body tingled every time I messaged him. I felt like he knew exactly what he was doing and what to say to make me want to fuck him.
And he was doing it all right.
We set a date to meet, and with family and vanilla life, I ended up meeting him alone. I knew from the first experience that it wasn’t what was ideal for us, but it was what worked.
I was so nervous that week before I couldn’t even eat. My heart rate felt high all the time, I was horny all the time, I was anticipating it so much that I was on the verge of being ill.
I went shopping, did my nails, and prepared myself for another man. It was all so surreal, I was still fighting old ways of thinking from my past. I felt like I was sinning, but it felt so good.
When the night came, I was more calm than I had been the entire week prior. I took a nice long hot bath and got myself ready. Pieces of self doubt settled in and my husband reassured me that I was beautiful.
While my husband always makes me feel like a goddess, when you are with someone exclusively for 13 years there is a certain amount of bias laced through your feelings about your partner. I wasn’t sure if only he thinks I am beautiful, or if others see that too.
I am wildly in fear of being rejected, which stems from childhood, and yet, this guy was meeting me, all of me. He knew what he was getting because I was honest with pictures, and despite fluctuating weight from 2020, he was still interested.
As I left to drive to the location, I blasted music that I normally don’t listen to and it made me feel like a powerful badass. I got there and shrunk back into my shell.
I sat there. In silence, repeating to myself, “you got this.”
And I got out of the car.
I walked over to the patio table he was sitting at, away from everyone.
He got up and gave me a hug and he complimented me on my outfit, my shoes, and my beauty. I figured he was just being nice.
As we sat, I started to relax, my nerves were calming, and I realized that this might actually work. For the first time since we decided to pursue the Lifestyle, I felt like this could be something that we could actually do.
We flirted through our drinks, intently making eye contact. He put his hand on my knee the whole time, rubbing it as he spoke. I felt my fire burning me from the inside, and I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. He understood and never made me feel awkward, he just made me feel respected and beautiful (and deliriously horny).
I thought about how it looked to everyone around me. Do they know? What do they think? I felt like the whole world was watching me with a man other than my husband. But I loved it.
After drinks, we went to my husband’s car and moved it around to the back of the building, where it was dark and private. We crawled into the back seat, and I asked him to take a video of everything. He was already hard, I could see the bulge through his jeans. I lifted my shirt so he could finally touch and see my breasts in person. He grabbed them like he wasn’t afraid, he knew what to do and how to handle them. I rubbed his bulge through his pants and he pulled them down so I could hold it. It was magnificent. Big and thick, I took it into my hand and then my mouth. I wanted to suck his cock. I wanted his cum in my mouth. I wanted it all.
Meanwhile, he was recording small short clips of me giving him head. I thought that a full length video would be taken, but in the moment things never go as planned.
As I quickly took his cock in my mouth over and over again, I thought about the videos he was taking and the questions he was asking, I was so excited for it all. I agreed to everything he said like a good little slut and I never felt more confident and powerful.
He came in my mouth in an almost primal way and I swallowed it all.
The way he moaned out sent fuel to the fire burning between my legs.
I am still not sure if he really enjoyed it, or if it was an act. But either way, I felt like I won that night.
I was ready to be fucked then and there, but the plan was the plan. Me and Ryan agreed that nothing would happen other than oral and touching. The rest had to wait until our 10th anniversary when he could be there to watch.
We got out of the car, hugged goodbye, and I walked back to get in the drivers seat. As I was walking he came up behind me, grabbed my ass, and kissed my neck. I practically melted into a puddle right there on the ground.
As I left with sharp pangs of arousal pulsing through me, I couldn’t wait to get back home to Ryan. I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted to whisper in his ear about how turned on I was by another man. I wanted to give him what he’s wanted for so long.
With urgency, I needed to get home to him.
As I got home and we were together again, we discussed how hard it was for me to go out alone. After a long bout of reassurance, we sexually connected and reconnected. We talked more, and played more. The emotional rollercoaster made us closer and terrified us at the same time.
Feeling It All, Together
I now realize that this lifestyle makes you wear you feelings on the outside of your body. There is no hiding from them when you are connected the way me and Ryan are. There are no secrets when you go out to be fucked by another man. There is no holding back or stuffing emotions in this lifestyle. You have to let it all out or it will eat you alive. Sometimes, the information available for those of us in the lifestyle only shows the good side. While it is hot and sexy to talk about the juicy details of sexual encounters, there is a whole side of this dynamic that breaks you open and leaves you vulnerable. This isn’t a bad thing, but its not an easy thing either. This isn’t just about the sex, its mental and emotional just as much.
There are so many rocky parts in the beginning, but at the same time, we have grown as a couple more in the last 4 weeks than we have in the last 12 years. I have never felt more close to someone.
And that right there, that’s the magic in all of this sexiness.